I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
