I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
