Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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