Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
