Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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