CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
