Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
