never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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