just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
