Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
