Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We are all done wearing pants today
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