i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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