i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
