watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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