This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
