I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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