Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
