I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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