Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
