Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
