I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
