Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
