i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
