She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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