I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos