his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
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I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.