Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
how drunk are you?
Several
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
