I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
