i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
