no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
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Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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