there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
