The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I look better un-naked...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
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