he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
