I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
