Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
