we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
