the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
