i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
