the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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