I just made out with a guy for $7.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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