My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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