Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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