you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
