the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
