I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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