Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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