happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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