Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sorry about my life...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
