This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just threw up on my dentist
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
