Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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