Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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