She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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