I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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