Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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