in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
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You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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