My room smells like vodka and shame
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
