God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
