my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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