Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
