Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit