I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
