so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
